i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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