3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
