The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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