Duck Duck Cougar?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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