All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
