Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
