respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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