i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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