If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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