And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
