Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
