You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
there was a trapeze. enough said
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
