she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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