You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
