apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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