I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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