I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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