____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
