drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
