I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize