I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
