woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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