god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I puked a lego.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
