Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
