Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
