I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
