So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
