I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize