i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
