textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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