I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
