you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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