Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Randomize
