So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
