She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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