shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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