I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
