dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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