Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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