I feel like abortions should bother me more
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
