The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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