So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
