Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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