I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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