The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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