phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
