News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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