i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
