My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
