I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize