I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
