After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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