I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
