You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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